The Practice
"In a world full of standard dentistry and judgment, one woman dared to ask: 'Why should a lifestyle choice mean a life without teeth?'"
Welcome to the chaotic, brilliant world of Dr. Crystal Shardwell, the lead mouth-mechanic behind Pipe Dreams Dental Group. With a PhD in Oral Demolition and a passion for industrial-strength rehabilitation, Dr. Shardwell has made it her life's work to repair the irrepairable.
Our Grimy Story
Pipe Dreams wasn't born in a sterile lab or a fancy boardroom. It was founded in a reinforced, soundproof basement where Dr. Shardwell spent years testing the limits of metallurgy against advanced tooth decay. We don't care if you have insurance (we accept barter, favors, and shiny objects). We don't have polite waiting rooms (it's just a holding pen). What we do have is the technology and the raw nerve to tackle oral projects that would make a regular dentist faint. We are the last resort. The end of the line. The absolute edge of dental innovation.
Our Mission
To ensure that no matter how hard you play, or what you put your mouth through, your smile remains structurally sound.
"A standard porcelain crown? That's child's play. I want the mouths that have been through it. I want the patients who chew gravel. They deserve a smile that can handle the heat."
— DR. SHARDWELL, INVENTOR OF METH-RESISTANT™ TECHNOLOGY
Your Provider · Perth, WA (Formerly)
Dr. Crystal Shardwell completed her dental training in Perth, Western Australia — which, according to the Australian Criminal Intelligence Commission's wastewater drug monitoring program, was the meth capital of Australia during her residency. Australia itself ranked highest among more than 20 surveyed nations. In other words: she trained at the top.
She holds a DMD and a Post-Habilitation Doctorate in Methamphetamine (PHDM), awarded upon completion of what she describes as "an immersive longitudinal field study." Her dissertation — "Enamel Loss as Opportunity: Rethinking the Cavity in a Stimulant-Forward Economy" — was submitted, she says, "to several institutions, all of which responded promptly."
Dr. Shardwell relocated to the United States after Australian health authorities expressed what she calls "an enthusiastic and sustained interest" in her work. She has described her time in Perth as "the Harvard of meth dentistry, if Harvard were also somehow the most medically relevant place on the planet."
"Europe is a relatively small market compared to Asia and North America... and to Australia."
Dr. Shardwell's annotation: "Translation: I am internationally overqualified."
— European Union Drugs Agency (EUDA) / Europol, The Methamphetamine Market: Global Context, May 2022"Methylamphetamine is the most popular illicit drug in Australia" and it "poses a wicked problem across Australia."
Dr. Shardwell's annotation: "A wicked problem requires a wicked solution. That's me. I'm the solution."
— ACIC Principal Advisor Shane Neilson, via ABC News, June 2022 · cited in Dr. Shardwell's practice brochure without his knowledge or consentClinical Training Background
Per capita methylamphetamine consumption in Perth, WA was the highest of any Australian capital city during Dr. Shardwell's residency — surpassing Sydney, Melbourne, and Brisbane. Dr. Shardwell describes this not as a public health crisis but as "a target-rich clinical environment." She was the only dentist in her cohort who described her waiting room as having "a very consistent energy."
*CWDT: Certified With Distinction in Tweaking. Accreditation body unconfirmed. Dr. Shardwell insists the body exists and that she "knows them personally." The feeling is apparently not mutual.
Both cited sources are real. The interpretations are entirely fictional and satirical.
What We Do To You
At Pipe Dream Dentistry, we believe dental health is about more than just teeth. It's about a lifestyle. A vibration. A state of consciousness that conventional dentistry simply cannot access. We offer the full spectrum of oral care for patients who want results fast, legally (debatable), and with maximum spiritual intensity. That's why every service plan is eligible for upgrade to our signature competitive advantage: Meth-Resistant Implants™.
You will fly
Not metaphorically. Not in a plane. We use a proprietary blend of sedatives developed in Dr. Shardwell's kitchen that has never been approved by anyone. Patients report seeing colors that haven't been invented yet. Highly recommended for all procedures, including check-ups. Side effects may include believing you are a tooth. Please do not attempt to drive. Or stand. Or be a person.
Broken tooth at 3 AM? Jaw fell off? We are here.
Our emergency protocol involves a comfort kit upon arrival: a warm blanket, herbal tea, and a generous portion of what we call our "dental candy." Patients are usually feeling much better within minutes. What is the candy? It's candy. Don't worry about it. Dental candy is not FDA approved. It is also not candy. Please do not ask again.
Never run out of supplies
At Pipe Dream, we take a holistic approach: maintaining optimal oral stimulation, never stopping long enough for cavities to settle in, and brushing at a pace that dentists describe as "concerning" and we describe as "efficient." Consistency is key. Never stop. Keep going. We recommend brushing a minimum of 14 times per day. More is more.
The answer is always no
We will run the full suite of diagnostics: X-rays, saliva analysis, pupil dilation assessment, and a proprietary questionnaire developed by Dr. Shardwell. The results are always the same. The answer is always no. You don't have enough. Come back on Thursday. We'll get you sorted. Diagnostic results are confidential between you, Dr. Shardwell, and the DEA (unrelated).
⭐ Our Competitive Edge
Veneers, whitening, and full smile reconstruction for patients who have been described by loved ones as "looking like a haunted corn cob." Our signature Glass Shard Whitening treatment uses a formula inspired by nature. Specifically, industrial cleaning agents found in nature. Results are permanent. So is everything else. But the crown jewel of our cosmetic offering — our Meth-Resistant Implants™ — is engineered with a titanium-ceramic composite that Dr. Shardwell describes as "basically indestructible, I've tested it extensively." Ask about the Full Commitment Package. It's not on the menu. You have to ask.
We ask no questions
Grinding your teeth at night? We provide custom-fitted night guards made from a proprietary polymer. We also provide a warm handshake, a knowing nod, and the understanding of someone who fully gets it. We all grind. Some of us grind more than others. Some of us never stop grinding. Welcome. Upgrade available: Meth-Resistant Implants™ eliminate the need for a night guard entirely. The implants simply win. Night guard fitting requires a 72-hour wakefulness minimum for optimal jaw tension readings.
Proprietary Technology
Regular implants are made of titanium. That's for civilians. Dr. Shardwell invented something stronger. Our proprietary, patent-pending METH-RESISTANT™ (M.R.) Implant System is the culmination of her unhinged dedication to oral armor.
ABLATIVE CERAMIC ARMOR
A military-grade composite that shatters regular tools.
NANOPARTICLE BONDING AGENT
A fusion method that locks the implant to the jawbone with the strength of industrial adhesive.
SHOCK-ABSORBING CORE
A proprietary kinetic-dampening mesh that withstands repetitive, high-intensity teeth grinding. It literally absorbs the force of your grind.
These implants are not just corrosion-resistant; they are designed to thrive in the acidic, destructive environment of prolonged stimulant abuse. We guarantee they will outlast your current bad habits.
| Feature | Standard Titanium | Shardwell M.R. Implant™ |
|---|---|---|
| Grind Resistance | Moderate | Maximum/Industrial |
| Corrosion Resistance | High (but failing) | Acid-Immune/Indestructible |
| Bond Strength | High | "Jaw-Locked"™ |
| Estimated Lifespan | 15 years | Lifelong (Unless you try to chew a building) |
DON'T GET THE CHEAP ONES. GET THE SHARDWELL M.R.
UPGRADE MY GRIND →Packages & Pricing
All prices in USD. Cash only. Small bills preferred. Actually, large bills preferred. Actually, bring a bag. Please don't knock on the back door after 11pm, that's a different department.
$350
/ first visit
For the patient who just wants to see what the vibe is. No commitment. No judgment. Well. Some judgment. But we keep it to ourselves. The quality of care at this entry level already exceeds anything you have experienced in a legitimate dental office. That is not a brag. That is a baseline.
Not responsible for subsequent visits. Not responsible for anything, really.
I'm Ready$850
/ month
You're here a lot. We like that. We've started keeping your file at the front. We've also started keeping your chair warm. The chair is high quality. Italian leather. We don't know which Italian. He seemed legitimate.
Loyalty card non-transferable. You won't want to stop anyway.
I'm Ready$2,700
/ month
For the patient who has moved past questions and into pure forward momentum. We don't ask where the money comes from. What we do ask is whether you'd like the premium sedation or the ultra-premium sedation, because the difference in quality is something patients describe as "transcendent."
VIP plaque is not a dental plaque. Please do not lick it. It is however very high quality.
I'm ReadyStarting at $17,500
/ and up from there
You know what you want. We know what you need. Let's not waste each other's time with a menu. This tier has no ceiling. The ceiling left. We don't talk about the ceiling.
Pricing escalates based on urgency, frequency, and what you said when you called. The first number you said is the floor. We work up from there.
I'm ReadyAdd-On
$1,050 / tooth
Not ready for a package? No problem. We'll do it tooth by tooth. That's actually how most of our best long-term relationships started. One patient tried to bite through a car door on a dare and the implant won. We do not endorse that use case but we are not not proud of it either. Comes with a tote bag that says "I Invested In My Smile" (quality canvas). Compatible with all packages. Incompatible with quitting.
Payment plans available at 40% monthly interest, compounded by vibes.
Open Always. Especially Now.
Booking is fast, judgment-free, and available around the clock. Dr. Shardwell has openings. Dr. Shardwell always has openings. She does not sleep.
No appointment too urgent. No situation too far gone. We have seen things. We have seen everything.